#64 Neologisms

By
kttylvr
on April 18, 2008 4:41 AM | | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
Professor-Martha.jpg
The English language is always adapting, transforming and evolving.  Cats are at the forefront of the new wave of linguistic theory.
  Consider the definite article.  Even most advanced linguists are generally not able to predict the direction its evolution may take.  Not so cats.  They have understood the subtleties of the language, the minute meanings and undercurrents of intellectual thought that accompany such a small but vital part of the language as the definite article and they have correctly seen the future.  What is the result?

"Teh"

Notice the truthiness of the altered spelling.  All of a sudden, sentences such as "is teh mowse gon yet" or "save teh wales" contain a lyrical intensity that one finds nowhere else.  Not in Milton, Yeats or even Shakespeare. 
  This is only one example of the advanced linguistic work of cats.  Dissertations have been written about felines' forward-thinking use of "bukket" "kitteh" and "lolz".  In fact, today, using highly powerful computers at Stanford University's school of veterinary linguistics, cat scientist were able to discover the neologism "cephalapomorphize" (to make the inanimate squidlike).  Hoomans are forever in debt for the elegant new forms of the English language.
Continue reading #64 Neologisms.

#23 Not Wearing Hats

By
kttylvr
on April 3, 2008 8:11 PM | | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
twohats.jpg
What, man! ne'er pull your hat upon your brows

Look at the picture above.  The cat on the left is happy.  That's because the cat on the left is imaginary.  The cat on the right is real, as are the half-inch deep gouges left on her hooman's body 10 seconds after this picture was taken.  Let's get things straight here folks:  Cats Do Not Like Wearing Hats!
  Hats are (with apologies to  Bronwyin and Elspeth ) redolant of renaissance faires and  bald spots.  Cats appreciate neither.  Cats are also proud of their perky ears, and anything that restricts the movement of their ears will only enrage these sensitive creatures.
  Everybody, do the Safety Dance!
 

#72 Things that are squishy but not too squishy

By
kttylvr
on April 1, 2008 12:34 AM | | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
squishy.jpg Be soft as sinews of the newborn babe!
Felines are lovers of quality and comfort, just like Too Short.  Similarly, they are fine connoisseurs of squishiness.  They appreciate surfaces that are firm, but not too firm - say a thick pile carpet vs. hardwood floor.  They want comfort, but not gaudy squishy excess.  If a pillow is too fluffy, a cat will reject it just as much as a pillow that is too firm.
  For proof, one need only mix a cat with a water bed.  A team of five or more cats (see Math) will quickly readjust a water bed so that it is just the correct amount of squishiness.  Each cat is an individual, and his hooman will need to find the right point on the Mackenzie-Hobart squishiness scale to completely please him.  

#3.141 Math

By
kttylvr
on March 31, 2008 8:25 PM | | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
Cunning in music and the mathematicstoo-many-cats.jpg
Cats have always been heavily involved in science and mathematics.  We've all heard about Schrödinger's cat, who was kept in a box until the famous scientist could no longer remember if there was a cat in the box or not.
  What many people don't know is that cats are on the cutting edge of mathematical fields such as chaos theory and set mechanics. 
  Recently, it has been proven that no matter how small or large the room, it is impossible to accurately count any number of cats greater than five.  This has practical applications for quantum computing and further cat based research.  Don't believe me?  Call up your friend Elspeth and see if she'll let you come over and try.

#37 Women named Bronwyn or Elspeth

By
kttylvr
on March 31, 2008 8:05 PM | | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
fatladycat.jpg
I come, graymalkin!
Cats find Celtic names irresistible.  Something about them brings out the instinctive need for a mother figure that all cats feel.  (see item #72 Things that are Squishy but not too squishy).  There is something about nestling in the ample bosooms of a Bronwyn or Elspeth that reminds cats of their days as kittens.
  Women named Bronwyn or Elspeth also tend to have a bumper sticker on their car (usually a 1989 pacer whose shocks on the left side are riding a little low) that reads "The goddess is alive and magic is afoot."  Cats can't get enough of that sort of old time religion and the exciting broom rides that go with it.

#1 Sleeping

By
kttylvr
on March 31, 2008 8:01 PM | | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)
sleeping_01.jpg
To sleep, perchance to dream. 
According to research on the interweb, cats sleep 99.98% of the day. 
  Sleeping is important for cats, just like it is for hoomans, because it allows them to dream.  If cats don't dream, they develop quirky, unpredictable behavior, like suddenly deciding that their tail is the enemy or believing gravity has been reversed.
 Cat dreams fall into several categories: dreams of snuggling, dreams of sleeping, dreams of eviscerating small woodland creatures, dreams of eviscerating the sofa and dreams of eviscerating their owner.
  When you watch your cat sleeping, you can tell when she is dreaming by the vocal sounds she makes.  Purring means that your kitty is dreaming of snuggling or evisceration, a flicking tail means that your kitty is dreaming of sleeping or evisceration, and a low growl means that your kitty is dreaming of hunting and evisceration.  Some cats have been known to make chirping frog-like noises that sound like a smurf screaming the word "beer!"  This is not normal.
 Unlike dogs or hoomans, cats can spend many hours sleeping relatively lightly. If you try to wake that sleeping cat, he can turn immediately from being deep asleep to lodged, claws out, in your windpipe in a matter of seconds. You can often see the cat sit with its eyes half closed, or even wide open, enjoying a short nap.
The only time that no cats sleep is between 3:13 and 3:15 in the morning.  This is a time known to many cat scientists as "cat panic."  During this time most cats feel the overwhelming urge to sit on a hooman face or to eat the entire sofa.  Sometimes both at once.  (for more information, google "cat-induced sleep apnea fatality")
Archives